


Girls Chase Boys Chase Girls

by NyxEtoile, OlivesAwl



Series: Tales From the Tower [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic Avengers, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxEtoile/pseuds/NyxEtoile, https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlivesAwl/pseuds/OlivesAwl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/>
  <br/>
  <i>Hints of spring were just beginning to appear around New York when Pepper invited them for a girl's day. Mexican food, margaritas, and then a team from a salon would come in to give everyone mani/pedis. All from the comfort of her and Stark's apartment.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>There was a postscript at the bottom of the email. <b>Tony's decided to take the menfolk out to a strip club. We'll have the place to ourselves.</b></i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We decided we needed another girl's day ficlet, but what could be better than girls bonding? The boys bonding! Better than that? Both at the same time!
> 
> Posting today to celebrate Olives and I going to Age of Ultron this weekend. Keep an eye out for two (TWO!) new Tales stories launching this week.
> 
> Caution! Fic contains: Strip clubs, Asgardian culture shock, girl talk, guy talk, sex talk, drunken philosophy, cheesy horror movies, at least two meta jokes/easter eggs, body counts (the good kind), banter and merciless teasing.

Hints of spring were just beginning to appear around New York when Pepper invited them for a girl's day. Mexican food, margaritas, and then a team from a salon would come in to give everyone mani/pedis. All from the comfort of her and Stark's apartment.

There was a postscript at the bottom of the email. _Tony's decided to take the menfolk out to a strip club. We'll have the place to ourselves._

Darcy Lewis's reply was right below. _Did Pepper Potts just invite me to an unchaperoned girl's day with sleepover potential?_

Before Natasha could respond another email came in, from Amanda Newbury. _I'll bring the Twister and cheesy horror movies._

_Trying to play Twister with Natasha would be a mistake. Trust me._ That was Maria Hill. It was like people knew her or something.

She was shopping for new towels and feeling about as un-Black Widow as possible, but she tucked against the wall of the store and tapped on her phone. _Twister with people you don't actively want to rub up against is boring. For true sleep over potential you need the 90s board game classic "Mystery Date."_

Jane countered with, _Why do you know about Mystery Date?_

_No one knows more about US pop culture than KGB spies._

_Darcy?_ was all Jane replied with.

You could almost hear the younger woman's sigh. _I'll find it._

_I'm going to write you all down as yes, then?_ That was Pepper.

Nat added her affirmative to the chorus of yeses and went to find towels.

*

Clint kind of hated email, but the little red badge of unread messages on his phone drove his orderly nature crazy, so he had to look at it regularly. Most of it was junk, or pointless mass emails he wished people would stop sending. But one caught his eye. He actually read it twice. 

"Hey, Nat?" he called. She was in the bedroom folding laundry.

"Yes?" she called back. Apparently he hadn't sounded urgent enough for her to come out.

"Stark wants to take us all to a strip club. Should I be worried?"

"Just because Stark is planning it doesn't mean it will end in disaster and explosions." There was a pause. "Is Rhodey on the invite list?"

"Yes. I feel like that increases the likelihood of something blowing up."

"No, Pepper has new rules about when the suits are allowed to be worn." She appeared in the doorway. "Rhodey knows how to deal with Stark. You'll be fine."

He scanned through the replies. "Everyone else said yes. Well, Barnes said yes on Rogers's behalf."

Nat smiled at that. "I bet the liquor will be excellent."

Clint sighed. "I should go, shouldn't I?"

She leaned her shoulder on the door frame. "I think you should, yes. This is your team. It's good to see them outside of work. There will be food and drink and women of pleasing form. You might not hate it."

"You're on the team and you weren't invited."

"I am a girl. I go do girly things with the other girls. You are a man. You should go do manly things as men do."

"The women at strip clubs are never as hot as you," he grumbled.

She smiled and crossed the room to kiss him. "Thank you. But I'm sure you'll find other entertainment. The idea of Steve in a strip club will be making me giggle all day."

"Fine. But I'm only doing this for you. And maybe some good bourbon."

"Good enough for me." She kissed him again and headed back to the bedroom to finish the laundry. "I'll pick you out a nice outfit."

He glanced down at the email and noticed the last line at the bottom, which she must have read. _This is a classy place. Dress like it._

Great.

Three nights later he stood in their living room in dark grey slacks and jacket with a snug black shirt beneath. Nat stood studying him, finger to her chin, with the same expression he had seen her use to study works of art in museums. She gestured for him to turn for her and he glared, making her smile. "No tie. No cufflinks. I think you look quite hot."

"Hot wasn't a requirement."

"Call it a perk for me, then." She smooth a hand down his chest, then popped up on her toes to kiss him. "Go. Drink bourbon. Try to play nice."

"I am always nice." That was a total lie. The look she gave him indicated as much.

JARVIS pinged melodically. "The limo is waiting whenever you're ready, Agent Barton," the AI said.

Nat pulled the front door open for him. "I won't wait up."

"You should, given the mood _you_ always come home from these things in. And your parties don't involve naked tits in your face."

She lifted a shoulder. "Well, feel free to be inventive while waking me."

"I'll keep that in mind." He kissed her once more, and then headed downstairs.

Her ran into Barnes and Rogers in the elevator. They were both in very nice suits, hair slicked back, looking like something out of a black and white film. He wondered idly if the Doc had dressed them the way Nat had dressed him. Barnes returned his nod and Rogers offered a, "Nice suit."

"Natasha," he said by way of explanation.

"Amanda," they said in unison, confirming his suspicions.

"Though suits, at least, haven't changes much in seventy years," Rogers added.

"Just our measurements."

The elevator doors opened to the lobby, where Stark, Banner, Thor, Rhodes and Sam Wilson were waiting. "Ah, the tardy ones," Stark said.

"Takes time to look this good," Rogers said easily, gripping Wilson's hand in greeting.

"The limo is outside collecting traffic citations," Stark said.

"And you're a billionaire," Rhodes said. "Cry us a river."

"You should really get the limo parking only curb painted," Banner said, pulling the door open in an effort to get them moving.

"I pitched an Avengers Parking Only rule but the city wouldn't go for it."

"There is a garage downstairs," Thor commented.

"I hate going down there," Stark replied.

They filed out onto the sidewalk to the limo that was idling by the curb, stiff suited driver holding the door open. Banner climbed in first and the rest of them followed. There was a bar inside, and Stark began gamely passing around glasses. He'd brought the good stuff.

"I feel like we should toast," he said as he handed out the last of the drinks and picked up his own.

"To no explosions or news stories?" Rhodes offered.

"And no involvement from either the police or the fire department," Rogers said. "I've heard stories."

"Nothing that would make our women angry with us?" Barnes added.

"I promise no hookers," Stark said.

"We should be able to manage the rest of it, then," Banner said. There was some glass clinking, as if sealing the deal.

Then Thor asked curiously, "Hooker?"

There was an awkward sharing of glances and mental straw drawing before Wilson gave it a shot. "Uh. Lady of the night? Member of the oldest profession? Loose woman?"

"A woman you pay to have sex with you," Clint said. It was better to just be blunt.

"Oh," Thor said. "Why would you do that? Why would she?"

Another round of looks. "It's a way for women to make money who might have no other options," Rhodes said. "At least, that's how most people think of it."

"It was really common in war." That was Barnes. Everyone's heads turned to swivel and look at him. "Camp followers. Or women in a country being invaded trying to get protection or money to get out." He looked at Rogers. "You remember that inn by the Italian border?"

Rogers tilted his head. "Was that the one where that fat woman chased Falsworth out with a meat cleaver?"

"Yes! And Morita got a fan club 'cause none of them had seen an Asian guy before."

"You all went to way too many brothels, Buck."

"We didn't all have a British spitfire making eyes at us."

"Are we going to get actual Captain America war stories now?" Stark asked. "Because that alone is worth the price of this adventure."

"You really want to hear about your father's taste in hookers?" Barnes asked.

Stark's mouth snapped closed at that but Rhodes obviously wasn't going to let him get off that easy. "You could see if they match!"

"I doubt it," Stark said. "If my mother was any judge, my father liked his women quiet, shy, and compliant. And I believe you all have met Pepper."

"What you marry and what warms your bed in the middle of a war is not exactly the same thing," Barnes said, lifting his glass for a drink. "I can now say this from personal experience."

Rogers tilted his head. "Yeah, I can't picture Amanda in those outfits they used to wear." Based on the spit take and coughing that comment caused in Barnes, the feeling was not mutual. 

"Has she been shopping with the other ladies?" Thor asked. "Jane goes to someplace called La Perla with Natasha and comes back with the most interesting outfits."

Barnes cleared his throat. "I may have gotten yelled at for breaking the hooks on a very expensive bra a couple weeks ago."

"Those can be fixed," Clint volunteered. "I cut the straps on one once, and she got even that fixed."

They all turned to look at him as if they'd forgotten he was there. Maybe they had. "You cut them?" Wilson asked skeptically.

"She'd broken her arm, it would have been painful to try and take it off normally."

There were nods all around, then Wilson asked, "How many of your sex stories involve one or both of you being injured?"

He sighed. "In that case I was actually just putting her to bed."

"I feel like my question still stands."

Stark waved a hand. "Oh, leave him be. Anyone in the car with a steady partner who hasn't had sex with some sort of injury raise your hand."

"We all come home from every mission bruised." Clint looked over at Thor. "Except maybe you."

Thor lifted one of his massive shoulders in a shrug. "Jane bruises."

"I imagine you have my breaking things problem," Barnes said.

"Yeah," Stark drawled. "You all and your furniture wrecking."

"How many houses have you destroyed now?" Banner asked.

"The last one was blown up by a terrorist," he replied defensively.

"Because you gave him your address."

"How was I supposed to know he would come with missiles?"

"Because terrorists never respond to ultimatums with violence." Now Rhodes was chiming in. All right, it was kind of fun to watch Stark be on the receiving end of teasing.

"I'm not saying it was my best idea ever. But would we call that me destroying my house?"

"I'm going to need more alcohol before I start voting on Stark's bad decisions," Barnes said.

Rogers looked at him. "Why?"

"Because it's tasty and I don't want him to cut me off."

There was a round of laughter. The limo came to a stop. "We're here," Stark said. "You can even get your own drinks if I cut you off."

"I do have quite a lot in my checking account," Barnes quipped as they piled out of the limo. The press must have gotten wind of this little adventure, or maybe they just followed limos that had Stark in them, because there was a line of paparazzi outside the club, flashes firing rapidly.

"Just great," Clint muttered.

"Just roll with it," Stark told him. He climbed out and waved at the cameras, and suddenly everyone was too interested in him to pay attention to the rest of them as they made their way into the club.

*

After seeing Clint off, Nat made her way upstairs. A buffet of Mexican food was spread out on the table, tequila, triple sec and various fruit blends were on the bar with a row of glasses. The circular couch pit was lined with bubbling foot soakers.

Jane and Darcy had already arrived, both in casual clothes. Nat was unsurprised to see a beat up board game box sitting on the coffee table. It was purple, with the words _Mystery Date?_ written in curly script. "You found it."

"Technically, Cal found it. He can find anything." Darcy's boyfriend seemed like a very resourceful person, from the stories Nat had heard.

Jane was making margaritas for them. "You want one?" she called out.

"Please," she said, sitting on the couch next to Darcy.

The elevator doors opened to reveal Maria and Amanda. Maria was in ripped jeans and an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Amanda had on yoga pants, a grey shirt with a stylized red star and her hair was in two braids. She was, in fact, carrying a stack of cheesy horror movies.

"You took this sleep over thing to heart," Darcy said, blinking.

"I'm relieving my youth," Amanda told her. 

"Are people actually going to sleep here?" Jane asked. "We all live in the building. Well, almost all of us." She waved at Maria.

"I may crash," Maria replied. "But I don't live here. Where's Pepper?"

Jane pointed vaguely over her shoulder. "Bathroom."

"I intend to stumble down to my pet assassin's arms," Amanda said. "But if we're gonna do our R-rated girly conversation and get sloshed again I want to be comfortable. Also, I feel old and braids make me feel young."

"How old are you?" Darcy asked.

"Don't you know?" Maria asked, making a tsking noise. "We're all 29."

"I am almost 38," Amanda admitted. "And this summer I will be a bridesmaid for the tenth time."

"And you go home every night to your cold empty apartment and drink cheap vodka alone with your six cats," Darcy said dryly.

"It's two cats and a dog and my vodka is very expensive," the doctor told her primly.

Darcy grinned. "Who's getting married?"

"My little sister. They grow up so fast."

Pepper emerged from a doorway in the back of the room, and joined them. "Are you talking about the wedding?"

"My sister's. In the Hamptons in July." Jane came over with two strawberry margaritas, then went back to make more. "I get a custom made dress," Amanda added. "Her fiancé is a clothing designer."

"Is he a good clothing designer?" Darcy asked. "Because I've seen some ugly things on Project Runway."

Pepper went over to the bar to help with the drinks. "He makes some pretty nice evening gowns for a straight man."

"Trevor Ventura. He does 'urban chic.'" She even did the finger quotes. "Ask me how much teasing I'm giving my sister about becoming Jessie Ventura."

Darcy opened her mouth, and Jane put her hand over it before any sound came out. "Google it. Stop making us feel old."

"This is the sister on MSNBC?" Nat said. "I thought she was sick?"

"Remission confirmed in January," Amanda said with one of her face changing smiles. "He proposed on Valentines."

There was a chorus of "aww" from the rest of them. They all had their drinks and Pepper herded them over to the buffet table. "Please, people, eat," she said, while making herself up a plate of chips and guacamole.

They milled about the table, making up their plates, before siting at the dining table in one corner. "I love these little glimpses into the upper tax brackets," Darcy said, digging into an obscenely large burrito.

"I'm pretty sure at the IRS, the very top most tax bracket his just a picture of Stark's face," Maria said. "Rolling his eyes."

"Possibly flipping them off," Nat added.

"You know what I think is weird," Jane said. "Tony can drive, right? So he has a license. Can you imagine being in line at the DMV with Tony Stark?"

"He doesn't stand in line," Pepper said. "I suppose he might have with the original license as a teenager, but now someone handles that for him."

"See, I don't need yachts or planes," Darcy said. "I want enough money not to be inconvenienced."

"It only makes the inconveniences you do suffer that much worse," Pepper said. "At least, to him it does."

"Hence the perfected eye roll."

"There's a concept called the Hedonic Treadmill," Amanda said. "We adapt to whatever we've got, so we're never satisfied."

"Well, that's depressing." Maria sipped her lime colored margarita. "Good thing there's alcohol."

Pepper waved at the bar. "There's lots. Later I might even crack into Tony's good stuff for us."

Maria pointed at her. "That. That is why I'm planning to spend the night."

"If I had to navigate anything more complicated than an elevator, so would I," Amanda agreed.

"Lightweights," Nat teased.

"I almost feel like that's a challenge," Pepper said. "How much would it take to really get you drunk?"

"Unconscious drunk? Probably a dangerous amount."

"What about just uncoordinated?"

"I'm never uncoordinated."

"Her training is probably muscle memory," Amanda said. "That will override just about any inebriation. I saw a drunk guy at a college party play Tchaikovsky while being unable to complete the alphabet in the correct order."

"I've seen Clint shoot straight while too drunk to stand up," Nat said.

Pepper got up to refill everyone's drinks. Nat kept an eye on it, just in case over-spiking hers was the sort of thing Pepper might find funny while buzzed. Fruit smoothie went into each glass, then the same dose of liquors went into all but one. Instead she put some seltzer in the last glass. Nat watched her out of the corner of her eye all the way to the table. Pepper kept the last glass for herself.

"You don't _want_ to be that kind of drunk," Jane was saying. "Embarrassing things happen."

"Especially when you're Jane," Darcy confirmed. "Or trying to keep up drink for drink with an Asgardian. Erik learned that lesson the hard way."

That made Jane laugh. "I remember that. You know, he can get drunk. They make something on Asgard that will do it. I keep telling him he should bring some down and try it on Steve."

"Steve has had days he would appreciate that." Amanda leaned back in her seat, munching a tortilla. "James and I one had a lively debate on whether or not an IV of some sort could get them drunk. I refused to test it."

"Just pump his veins full of straight alcohol?" Maria asked.

"Sort of. I'd dilute it with saline. Basically an initial rush to the blood stream followed by actual drinking might get a jumpstart on their metabolisms. Allow them to get buzzed. I didn't think the IV would be particularly pleasant." She shrugged. "Neither of them cared enough to really give it a try,"

"There are times when a drink is helpful to take the edge off," Jane said. "I don't envy them."

"James has decided to focus on taste. Good whiskey or vodka or tequila will still burn and feel warm, if only for a few moments. He says it helps."

Everyone seemed to be done eating, so Pepper invited them to all come sit on the couch to start the pedicures. She had an entire fleet of manicurists emerge from the elevators. Everyone got their own.

Nat sank into the cushions with a sigh. It had been a long time since she'd indulged in such things. The woman working on her clucked at the sight of her feet before sinking them in the bubbling water.

From another part of the couch, she heard Maria sigh. "Pepper, you are a good friend."

"This is really awesome," Darcy agreed.

"Thank you, thank you," Pepper said, chuckling.

"I promised Thor he wouldn't have to carry me home tonight," Jane said. "Now I'm questioning that promise."

"We've only just started," Nat said. "I'm sure there'll be time for bliss induced naps."

"Were you too drunk last time to take advantage of our smutty conversation and jump him?" Darcy asked, earning a glare from Jane, which indicated that she'd been right on the money.

Then Jane sighed. "There was no jumping of any kind. Except perhaps when he leapt out of bed so fast he put a hole in the wall after I woke at 4AM and puked literally on him."

There was a chorus of "ewws" and grossed out noises. "Well, _I_ had excellent sex," Darcy said with a little wiggle.

"Come to think of it, so did I," Nat said.

Amanda sighed, and said, "My, we're getting into this early this time. But me too." She paused, then added, "Twice, actually."

It earned her a chorus of groans. Jane threw a crumpled up piece of paper at her. She laughed and batted it away. "Your blatant jealousy gives me strength."

"I seriously could not look Bucky in the eye on our first mission after the shopping escapade," Nat said.

"I hope you didn't tell him why. It'd just make him smug."

"All men are smug about that," Maria said. "I need to be drunker for the sex-bragging to be tolerable."

"This one," Nat said, pointing at Amanda. "Last time I felt bad about making her feel boring. It's all a facade. We share walls now."   
Amanda waved a hand as she swallowed her last mouthful of her drink. "What happens on the other side of wall _stays_ on the other side of the wall."

"Thank you for moving, by the way," Darcy said. "All of you. It's greatly improved my relationship."

She and Clint were officially sharing the one apartment now, and Bucky and Amanda had moved into Clint's old apartment. This had caused a series of shifts and apartment upgrades that had opened a vacancy the Darcy's boyfriend had moved into. So they could be near each other while it was still too new to live together. 

"JARVIS reported that you two split time between apartments," Maria said. "Like, exactly 50/50. As if someone did math. That's really nerdy."

"We have a chart," Darcy said. "I keep my promises." She looked over at Nat. "You've ruined it for all other commitmentphobes, you know."

She held up her hands. "That was a miscommunication that we eventually sorted out."

"After a shit load of nagging," Maria muttered.

A tray of nail polishes came around, and Nat picked one out for her toes. "Some of us move a little slowly."

"I move a little slowly," Amanda told her. "You're some sort of geological age."

She tilted her head, stretching her feet a moment before the woman got to work on her toes. "I like that. I'm using that."

"Only you would be proud of that," Pepper said with a laugh. "But then I suppose we all make our relationships work for us, in whatever way we need."

"I continue to feel my way works," Nat said.

"No one argues you aren't happy," Maria said.

"Deliriously."

"Yeah, we do share a wall," Amanda said. "Pot, kettle, by the way."

"Your side is thumping way more often than mine."

"And your thumping lasts longer," she retorted.

"TMI," Jane said with a groan.

"You really want to go there?" Pepper asked. "I've seen the facilities reports. I'm still stumped as to how you guys managed to rip that bathroom sink off the wall."

Jane's face turned a shade of red Nat had previously never seen on a human. "I'm very surprised you don't have more inadvertent broken bones."

"I'm guessing the poor sink took the hit for her," Darcy said, watching her boss in fascination.

"He's very gentle!" Jane insisted.

Nat realized they had gathered the rapt attention of some of the nail ladies. If they weren't careful, there were going to be articles all over the internet about the bedroom habits of the Avengers. Before she could comment, Pepper clearly noticed too and said, "Anyone want to put a movie in?"

"Yes," Amanda said immediately. "I brought several so-bad-they're-good ones. I highly recommend the one about the warlock coven. There's a lot of shirtless men and homoerotic overtones."

"How can we go wrong?" Maria said. "Anyone want more to drink?" She asked. "My toes are done and I can hobble over for refills before the fingers start."

"I will take another," Nat said, holding her glass out. Darcy took another as well, but she noticed Pepper guarded hers carefully. Very interesting.

*

"You know this is going to end up in the papers," Rogers muttered as they reached the lobby.

There was a moment of silence before Wilson said, "People still read the paper?"

Barnes and Rogers both turned to glare at him.

"I'm sure it will end up on a lot of websites, too," Banner offered.

"Cap has many fansites," Clint said. "Many. There's some weird guy down in tech support who keeps track of them all."

That got him a raised eyebrow. "And you know this because. . .?"

"I play Halo with Darcy, Jane's assistant. Her boyfriend is the head tech support guy, and she likes to repeat his funny stories." 

"Does Cap have the most?" Wilson asked. "I would think Stark would be leading the technologically capable fan pack."

He shook his head, and hooked a thumb at Thor. "By a good margin."

"Me?" Thor asked.

"Yeah. Apparently there's even a group trying to resurrect Norse religion, so they can fully worship you as a deity."

"That's going to add a new level of weird to the crowds around the Tower," Barnes said, sounding kind of horrified.

Thor was rubbing his chin. "There was a time I would have reveled in such attention."

"There are probably also sites devoted to you shirtless," Rhodes said. "Where the hell did Tony go?" They were still standing in the weird, dark little lobby.

"Right here," Stark said, stepping through the front doors. "And there are sites devoted to all of us shirtless. Some more full of photoshopped fakes than others. Mine are all fake." He elbowed his way through them to press a keycard onto a panel, and elevator door opened. 

It was tight, but they all managed to fit in the lift, avoiding any further hassle from photographers. "I'm guessing most if not all of mine would be too," Barnes said.

"For, I imagine, similar reasons," he replied. "There are also sites devoted to various body parts of some of us. Rogers's ass, Barton's arms, Thor's hair."

"My hair?"

"It is luxurious," Rhodes pointed out.

"Well, if we're comparing hair. . ." Barnes sounded defensive.

"Creepy internet people are more interested in your arm, Sarge." The elevator doors slid open, to reveal an elegant space, with rich carpeting and lots of dark wood. Alcoves of various sizes were lines with leather chairs and couches, partially curtained off. It looked like like the sort of expensive place where rich old men gathered with cigars and brandy. Except, of course, for the stage and stripper poles in the center.

They congregated just outside of the elevator, studying the space. "This is all for us?" Rogers asked finally.

"For the whole night," Stark confirmed, sounding quite proud of himself.

"You bought out an entire strip club?" Clint asked.

"It's also an excellent steakhouse. But this is the VIP floor. The peon floors are still open." He shrugged. "I like privacy."

"Steak and scantily clad women," Barnes said. "Aren't you glad I made you come?" he added, punching Rogers in the arm.

"Those women are practically naked," Thor said, like this was news to him, as the dancers began to come out.

The rest turned to look at him. "That's what a strip club is," Banner told him. "Women in skimpy clothing, dancing."

"On the invitation, you said it was a gentleman's club."

According to Darcy, the early days with Thor had been full of such misunderstandings. For the most part, she said he'd gotten over it, but Clint supposed this wasn't something that came up in everyday conversation with women and scientists.

"It's a polite term for it," Wilson was explaining. "Indicates it's a little classier than a sleazy titty bar."

"Like this but cheaper, tackier, and with sadder dancers," Stark clarified before Thor could ask.

He eyed the women, staying in the doorway while the rest of them started to move towards the comfortable looking seating. "Perhaps I should call Jane."

"Did you tell her you were going to a gentleman's club with us?"

"Of course."

"She knew what it meant," Stark assured him, heading over to the chairs.

"If she didn't, I'm sure Darcy does," Clint offered. In retrospect, maybe it was better that Thor hadn't known to ask for clarification. Darcy might have drawn him diagrams or something and scared him off.

Thor did follow them. "So your women are all aware of this and not bothered by it?"

"Amanda told me to have fun and not break any laws," Barnes told him. "Apparently New York is very clear about how much touching is and is not allowed."

"My wife trusts me," Rhodes said. 

"Nat insisted I come," Clint added. 

"See?" Stark said. "Pepper considers this mild compared to the shenanigans I used to get up to. Plus she's feeling guilty about the sex embargo."

Out of the corner of his eye Clint saw Rogers put his face in his hands. This was probably going to be a long night for him.

"That bad, huh?" Rhodes asked sympathetically.

"Supposedly it's temporary. But it's also terrible. Have you noticed the—" He made a gesture with his hands in front of his chest that clearly indicated boobs. "They're like Romanov's. If there's a God, he's fucking with me."

"What are you _talking_ about?" Rogers asked.

Stark turned. "Barnes didn't tell you?"

"Tell him what?" That was Barnes himself. "I have no idea what you're talking about, either."

"Huh," Stark said, sounding genuinely surprised. "Doc knows, I just assumed she told you."

"If it's a medical thing she wouldn't tell me with a gun to her head. She takes doctor client stuff pretty seriously. We're talking about a woman with part of the Hippocratic Oath tattooed on her."

"Really? Where?" Stark asked, now apparently distracted. 

"I will tell you if you tell me what the hell you're talking about."

"Oh." He waved a hand dismissively. "Pepper's pregnant.”


	2. Chapter 2

When Amanda's toes were done, she got up to try and figure out how to access the room's well hidden AV system. Pepper got up a moment later to help, and they seemed to be having more of a conversation than was required for operating a DVD player. . . but then, it was Stark's set up.

Finally, they had the movie up and running. Amanda declined nail polish - something about washing her hands too often for it to be worthwhile - so she was the gofer for those still trapped in their chairs.

It was so terrible it practically begged for them to MST3K it. It even got the mostly hilarious Darcy'n'Jane show going. It was _also_ delightfully full of shirtless men looking longingly at each other. They paused it halfway through so the nail ladies could clean up and depart, and then got drink refills and put the movie back on. There was gore, like any good horror movie, but it was dated and hammy. The sound effects were pretty terrible. For some reason, people making movies imagined stabbings as making a lot more gross wet noises than they really did.

"If every time I stabbed someone, it sounded like I was plunging a toilet full of sludge, I'd have taken up sniping like Clint," Nat said, to add to the mocking. Like punctuation, there was another stabbing on screen, complete with a weird sucking, slurping noise.

Pepper bolted out of her chair like it was on fire and disappeared through the door in the back of the room.

They all watched her go, faces in various stages of confusion. Then Nat turned to Amanda and said, "So how far along is she?"

"No comment," the doctor replied, sipping water. She'd been pacing herself a bit more than the rest of them.

No one else said anything, but everyone was clearly staring at Pepper when she returned. She looked at them all sternly. "We're not telling anyone yet."

"Can we tell our other halves?" Nat asked. "Clint knows when I'm hiding something."

She looked over at Amanda, like she was asking for permission. "Hiding it is really exhausting."

"We have a heartbeat, good blood work, excellent embryo quality and no known complication factors," Amanda said in her doctor voice. "If it were me I would be comfortable telling friends and family. Especially anyone you would seek out for comfort in the event of problems."

Pepper looked at the row of expectant faces. They'd obviously all figured out what was going on, but were politely waiting for her to actually confirm it. She sighed, took a deep breath and said, "I'm pregnant." 

A cheer went up. Jane bounced to her feet and hugged her and Nat felt oddly compelled to do the same.

"Congratulations," she said softly.

"Thank you," she said. There was a round of hugs, and decision that the rest of them could pour a round of champagne. Pepper sat back down. "I'm due in October. A lot of things can go wrong at my age, and I did lose one a couple years back during the Extremis nonsense, so we've been very careful about telling people. Just in case, you know."

"Well, you can trust us," Jane said. "We're very happy for you."

"Stark is going to be a ridiculous father," Maria said.

"He's already built a bassinet that floats on repulsers. It just hovers and rocks gently."

"That's awesome," Darcy said,

"If it's boy you're so screwed," Nat said.

"If it's a girl _he_ is screwed," Pepper replied. "It's like the world's greatest coin toss."

"Can you imagine a redheaded Stark?" Amanda sounded thoughtful.

"I'm starting a betting pool now on age of first explosion," Maria said.

Pepper shook her head, but she was smiling. "He's very excited. Maybe too excited. He wanted to sign us up for childbirth classes, for example. He thought if we started early, we could take more of them, and that would somehow help."

The rest of them laughed. "Men have different reactions," Amanda said. "It's easy to feel helpless so they try to participate however they can."

"If I can interject," Jane said. "I have a story that will amuse the hell out of you all, and it's highly topically relevant."

They all turned to her. "Do tell," Nat said.

Jane cleared her throat. "I have no idea how we got on the topic, but Thor mentioned that in the early days he was surprised we didn't have physical compatibility issues. In certain areas." Her cheeks were a little pink. "He's, you know. . . proportional. Anyway, he didn't mention it at the time, and then somehow it came up the other day, and I kind of waved my hand and said, honey, it can stretch around a baby's head. He stares back at me in baffled shock and asks me why anyone would put a baby near their lady parts."

After a moment's silence Maria said, "So is he just totally ignorant about the whole birth thing, or. . . "

"Apparently, Asgardian deliveries are some sort of magictech c-section maneuver. Have been for centuries. At least as long as Thor has been alive."

"There's no natural child birth?" Amanda asked incredulously.

Jane shook her head slowly. "It's unheard of."

"Did you tell him?" Pepper asked.

"Of course I did. You should have seen his face. He crossed his legs at one point, like I was going to tell him some method by which men had babies."

"If he's still confused, I have a miracle of life video you can borrow," Amanda said, fighting laughter. 

"Hell, I could Youtube it," Darcy added.

"I think he's scarred enough as it is by just the describing. He was asking me random, awkward questions about it for at least a week after."

"Oh, my God," Nat murmured. "I thought normal men were horrified by girly things."

"I'm still wrapping my head around de rigeur c-sections," Amanda said, getting up to refill her drink. "There's an awful story behind that, I guarantee you."

"They have children very rarely," Jane said. "And I don't think there's cutting. Just magic."

"Still, from a medical perspective, it's odd."

Darcy turned to look at Jane. "So was he weird about the area for a while?"

"If he felt any weirdness, his libido got him over it pretty fast."

"Well, that's something."

"Though he had so many questions about the mechanics of it all that I almost sent him down to talk to Amanda. I don't know enough about biology, for example, to tell him why a baby's head would fit, but his fist would not—and no, he didn't try. He just asked." Her face was pretty red. "Someone please get me some more alcohol."

Darcy hopped up to do so as Amanda leaned over. "The plates of the baby's skull aren't fused together," she told her. "They shift and overlap to fit. That's why babies have pointy heads sometimes."

Nat had to admit, that made her a little queasy. 

"The whole Asgardian Star Trek baby beaming thing sounds very appealing," Pepper said. "To be honest."

Darcy returned with a full glass and handed it to Jane. "Also, a person's fist will too fit up there. Granted, maybe not Thor's. . ." 

Jane took a very large swallow of her drink just as Nat said, "I can confirm that's true. Though internet kink sites make it sound way more fun than it is."

"Thank you!" Darcy flopped back into her seat. "So much stuff sounds more appealing in theory."

"That thing with the Altoids?" Maria said. " _All_ bad."

"Try mint tea," Nat offered. "Same idea, but mellower and the heat of the tea takes away some of the intensity." She paused. "Wipe him off if you're going to then have condomless sex."

"Condomless sex is for people in relationships," she replied. "But I'll keep that in mind."

"Ginger or cinnamon tea works, too," Darcy added. "But you really don't want that near your lady bits."

"I actually used Altoids as a torture method once," Nat said thoughtfully. "Before Clint."

"I knew Cosmo was secretly evil." Pepper said.

Amanda widened her eyes. "You mean I _shouldn't_ put a donut on his dick and nibble on it as I go down on him?"

"That can't be real," Jane said.

The doctor put her hand up. "Swear to God."

Darcy made a face. "That sounds like a great way to get a yeast infection when you move on to the main event. Who comes up with this stuff? And have they ever actually had sex?"

"You gotta fill a magazine every month you get desperate," Maria said. "Half the stuff is crap. More, probably."

"I think a man came up with that one," Pepper said. "My girlfriend isn't going down on me enough. Maybe if I stick a donut on my dick, she'll do it accidentally while trying to get at this clearly irresistible breakfast treat."

"I suppose the option to snack would make blow jobs more fun," Darcy conceded.

"I have never met a man who was displeased with receiving a standard blow job," Maria said. "Much as our complexity sometimes mystifies them, women really have trouble grasping that generally, unless you've got some serious quality issues, the best way to make your man happier in bed is to be in said bed more."

"Or couch," Darcy offered.

"Table," Amanda muttered into her drink.

"I am never eating at your place," Nat told her.

"You shouldn't have eaten at mine," Pepper commented.

"I'm sure you had your maids sanitize it."

"Are you implying then that I don't clean mine?" Amanda asked.

"Solid surfaces can be sanitized," Pepper said. "Though soft surfaces like fabric, carpets, etc, can't. We should probably all just make peace with that."

"If you think too much about it you become a shut-in," Darcy said. "Everything is gross and you got to roll with it."

"Sounds like no ones apartment is safe," Jane said. "So we're all even."

"This seems like an opening for a 'strangest place' contest. But I think Pepper's already won."

"I will recuse myself," Pepper said. "You'd never be able to beat me. Tony owns a sub-orbital spacecraft."

Amanda stood and strolled to the bar. "You do intend to write a tell-all book someday, right?"

"Only if he someday leaves me for a younger woman.”

*

There was a moment of pure and utter silence. Then Rogers reached out and clapped Stark on the shoulder. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," he said, and Clint was amused by the stupid grin on his face. Skeptical as he might be about the wisdom of Stark reproducing. 

The rest of them chimed in with the well wishing, except for Rhodes and Banner, who had already known. Rhodes did order their first round of drinks so they could toast to Pepper and the baby's health, though.

A box of cigars appeared from somewhere, and were also passed around.

"Speaking of tits," Stark said. "The number of creepy websites about us are dwarfed by the ones about Romanov."

"I did know that," Clint said. Nat found them amusing.

"If you ever break up, you could get a fortune for your sex tape."

Rogers choked on his drink, spraying a little on his phone, on which he appeared to be texting someone. Clint rolled his eyes. "What makes you think I have a sex tape?"

"I can tell just by looking at you that you're someone who would have one."

"He could have a library full of them, he's sure as hell not going to admit it to you," Rhodes said.

"Everyone should make at least one sex tape in their life," Stark said, puffing his cigar as if he'd just said something extremely profound.

A woman in a skintight dress brought them menus for their steaks. There were no tables, but Clint assumed they'd be brought out.

"Midgardians have some very odd sexual practices," Thor said.

"You don't have anything like this at home?" Wilson asked him, skimming his menu. 

"No. I can't imagine an Asgardian woman doing it, either. Dancing naked for strangers. Much less selling sex. And why you would film yourself, I have no idea."

"To watch later," Stark said. "Obviously you find the woman you're with attractive, but there's only so much you can appreciate when you're with her. With a video, you can relive the fun from a different angle."

He tilted his head, clearly considering it. "I shall have to discuss this with Jane."

"I think a video of _that_ conversation would be far more entertaining," Barnes muttered low enough only Rogers and Clint could hear. 

Clint hid his smirk behind his glass. Then he leaned over and said, at the same volume, "Someone should get him a lap dance."

"He does need to get the full Midgardian experience," Barnes agreed. 

"I'm sure the girls would enjoy it."

"Can you imagine telling that story to your friends over coffee the next morning? 'So Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and a bunch of other guys were in the club last night.'"

"I'd think a place like this sees famous people all the time."

Wilson leaned over to join the conversation. Clint noticed Rogers tuck his phone away, hiding the screen from view. "There's famous people and then there's Avengers. The lead singer of the current favorite boy band didn't take down aliens."

"Technically," Steve said. "Technically, neither of you were actually part of the alien slaying."

Wilson held up his hands. "I never claimed to be an Avenger. I'm just along for the ride."

"I thought I got grandfathered in," Barnes said. "Age joke intended."

Clint's phone beeped, and he looked down at the text from Nat. _Are the girls hot?_

_Still no 11's. But some solid 10's._ he sent back.

"Don't tell me she's checking up on you," Stark said.

Clint glanced up. "She asked if the girls were hot."

Stark blinked. "I apologize for doubting her."

"It's not like she and I have a lot of. . . traditional values."

"Told you you should invite her," Banner said over the rim of his glass.

"Pepper already claimed her, I didn't want to cause strife with my hormonal CEO."

"I thought she should come, too, but she said they're doing girly things." 

"Yes, Pepper said something about manicurists and board games." Stark sipped his Scotch. "I feel like we're getting the better deal."

"I don't know," Barnes said. "I have no idea what they do, but every time they have one of these girls nights, Amanda comes home in quite the mood."

Clint raised his glass to that, and Barnes clinked his against it.

*

The doctor started rummaging behind the bar, pulling out snack foods. "I'll start. The gym."

"The gym in our building?" Darcy asked.

"Yes. We work out together Sunday mornings when it's empty." She brought the bowls of chips and dips back to the coffee table. "Sometimes we get distracted."

Maria reached for a chip. "The Lincoln Bedroom at the White House."

"That's a bedroom," Pepper said.

"It's the _White House_ ," Jane said. "With who?"

"Oh, that's classified."

"So we'd know the name if we heard it?" Nat teased. "I bet I can figure it out."

"You hush." She nodded at Nat. "And spill. You've got to have a good one."

She groaned. This was going to be tricky. "I guess it depends on what you consider strange. If you go by numbers I find sex in my own bed kind of odd."

"You know what we mean," Pepper said with unending patience.

"Fine." Nat tipped her head back. "Alleyway in Paris. Burnt out hospital in Kabul. On a mountain in Alaska. Back of a Humvee somewhere in the Hindu Kush. And one of the Stark jets."

"When you went to Australia to get Barton after the SHIELD fiasco, Tony was complaining before you even left you were going to have sex in it. It has a bed, though, is that even strange?"

"Oh. I didn't count that one. I meant one of our jets. In the pilot's seat. In the air."

Maria had a hand over her eyes. "Please tell me the auto-pilot was on."

"Of course, we're not _crazy_."

"That might win." Darcy said.

"Best I can do is the roof a former car dealership turned lab," Jane volunteered. 

Darcy did a very slow turn. "In Puente Antiguo?"

Jane grinned. "Yep."

She punched Jane's arm lightly. "Good for you!"

The other woman flushed. "We didn't have a lot of privacy. And I'm not really one to do that sort of thing, I just. . ." she shrugged. "It just kind of happened."

"He was very hunky when he was all mortal. I don't blame you a bit."

"I had only met him, like, the day before."

"And you planned to see him for many future days."

"You are not the first woman to sleep with a man the same day you meet him," Amanda told her. "And Thor is far less unsavory than most."

"He'd lost everything. Or, at least, thought he had. Maybe a little I was trying to soothe a broken heart."

"That's kind of romantic," Pepper said. "In theory, anyway."

"It seems to have worked out," Nat offered.

"It did. And we don't generally fool around in strange places. That was a one time thing. He's surprisingly shy about certain things."

"It's not for everyone," Nat said. "Most of our exploits were from necessity."

"I like comfort for my nookie," Darcy added. "Beds are just fine."

Jane looked at her. "Never say there's something I was more adventurous about than you."

"I like to think I'm adventurous in other ways."

"I will concede that wholeheartedly. I have never had a threesome."

"I think focusing on wilder acts is why I prefer mundane location. Also I'm really loud."

"I kind of want to ask," Maria said. "But I also want to be able to get my computer fixed without inappropriate mental pictures."

Darcy grinned. "Cal just sort of rolls with my kinks. He doesn't participate in the dirty talk, but he doesn't mind it." She sipped her drink. "Oh. We made a sex tape."

Slowly the others turned to look at her. "You made a sex tape?" That was Jane, after a moment of silence.

"Yeaahh. It was sort of an accident. I had the video on my phone recording and he came over. . . ."

"What did you do with it?"

"It's on my hard drive behind three layers of encryption."

"For lonely nights?" Pepper asked.

"Home-made porn is the best porn."

"I've taken and sent pictures," Nat said. "But never video."

"I wouldn't trust Tony with naked pictures," Pepper said. "I love him, but I also know him."

"I thought about sending James pictures once," Amanda admitted. "But talked myself out of it. He was with Steve and I didn't think I could handle Captain America getting a glimpse of me sexting."

"You can take perfectly tasteful smutty pictures in lingerie that show no more skin than a bathing suit," Nat said. "They had to put pictures of me on the internet at one point—so Stark could find them—and I was very specific. They turned out to be Clint's favorites, and he's seen me in skimpier bikinis."

"I think some men like the packaging," Maria agreed. "Something for them to unwrap. Though there are those who wouldn't even notice if you were in French lace or a burlap sack."

"And then there are some who leave the wrapping on," Darcy added.

"Ah, so the lingerie was appreciated?" Nat asked. 

"Very," she said. "And, not to be weird, but the fact I went shopping with _you_ added to the whole allure."

Nat laughed. "I am not under the impression I don't have fans in the building."

"Does Barton ever get jealous?"

She tilted her head, trying to picture Clint jealous. "I don't think that's the right word. I don't think he worries I would stray. I think he gets. . . protective?"

 "Caveman?" Darcy offered.

"A little bit of that. But, men will cat call me on the street sometimes and he'll get up in their faces. But that's mostly so I can get behind them for the surprise beat down."

"Cal threatens to delete people's email," Darcy said. "Doesn't sound very menacing, but clearly it scares people. I don't get hassled in the elevator anymore."

"You got harassed in the elevator?" Pepper asked, sounding horrified.

"Not, like, daily. But yeah, it happened."

"You know we have cameras in the elevators. If you'd have said something. . ."

She shrugged. "I'd spend half my time reporting things and it'd just get me harassed in different ways. Cal's ways seems to be deterring them."

Pepper leaned forward. "I give you blanket and explicit permission, as CEO of Stark Industries, to TASER the ever-loving fuck out of anyone who continues to mess with you."

Darcy grinned widely. "Yes, ma'am!"

Nat leaned in as well. "And when they come to, be sure to tell them you're personal friends with me."

"They learn lessons better when they get beat up by a girl," Maria said. She nodded at Nat. "Barton once made her come beat up his upstairs neighbor's abusive boyfriend."

She pointed. "That was fun. That was a time I wish I'd had video. The look on his face. He had a good foot on me, too."

"That was for the best," Maria said. "That video would have gotten on the internet in the SHIELD dump."

"That's a good point. Hey, I'm a private citizen now. Maybe next time."

"I don't know," Pepper said. "Black Widow beats the shit out of an abusive asshole? Might be great PR."

"If business gets slow you could rent yourself out." That was Amanda.

"See, I pitched the vigilante idea to Clint before we came here and he didn't go for it."

"He's not really a fan of publicity, is he?"

"He's a sniper. Assassin from a distance. Clint would prefer you never see his face and if you do you forget it as soon as he walks away. He's fairly normal looking so it works-"

"I'd remember those arms," Amanda muttered. Nat turned to look at her and arched a brow. "That was out loud, wasn't it?"

"I, on the other hand," Nat continued. "Am not forgettable. So I have to work that to my advantage."

Pepper took a whole bowl of chips into her lap for herself. "Did I ever tell you we get a ton of requests for an 'Avengers Calendar'. You know, like the fire department does?"

"I'd do it," Nat said. "I imagine Stark would jump at the chance to be Mr. July."

"Steve would never do it," Amanda said. "Not in a million years."

"Would Bucky?" Jane asked.

She tilted her head. "Depends on the day. Fully dressed, with Panzer, I could convince him."

"They're all shirtless in the fire department calendar."

Amanda shook her head. "I love him deeply but there is nothing sexy about his chest. You don't want it on your kitchen wall."

"You could do twelve months of Thor," Maria said. "People would buy it." She glanced over at Jane. "There was actually a group of women who tracked his gym schedules so they could show up and watch." 

Nat had heard about that. Thor would stack a couple hundred pounds of weights on two barbells and use them to do bicep curls when Steve was hogging all the super-strength equipment upstairs. As he liked to work out shirtless, the crowd had eventually become a problem.

Jane reached over to grab a handful of chips. "I am not a jealous person."

"You don't really need to be," Nat said. "He never looks. Most men do. Nearly all of them, honestly. I don't think they can help it. Not to brag, but I am, you know, me. Thor doesn't look."

"He doesn't look at anyone. I really don't think he sees other women."

"You're like the heroine in a romance novel," Darcy said. 

"I'm going to take that as a compliment," Jane said primly, sipping her drink.

Maria snorted. "You're all heroines in some sort of romance novel and/or rom-com." 

They all exchanged glances. Nat shrugged. "I think mine would be more 'a novel.'"

"You do have the most tragic of backstories," Darcy agreed.

"But then you and Barton would be doomed," Maria said. "And you guys seem really happy."

She felt herself smiling. "We are very happy. In ways I probably don't deserve."

Pepper bumped her shoulder. "You deserve to be happy."

Nat shrugged. "I've killed a lot of people. So has he, for that matter. It can weigh on you."

"I have a body count," she replied. "Not like yours, obviously. So does Tony. Sometimes he even gets a little Mrs. Winchester and tries to run some count of all the people killed by Stark weapons."

"Mrs. Winchester?" Darcy asked.

"The widow of one of the men who made a fortune on the Winchester rifle," Pepper explained. "After he died a medium told her she would be haunted by the ghosts of all those who'd been killed by said rifle. So she built this mansion in California and had it constantly under construction in an effort to confuse the spirits."

"If Stark builds any stairs to nowhere, call me," Amanda said.

"My point," Pepper continued, "Is that even if we're not assassins, most of us are killers of some sort. We all deserve to be happy."

Nat gave another shrug. "Most of the time I believe that, too."

"I guess that's all anybody can do.”


	3. Chapter 3

Clint’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he glanced at it. _We're watching a horror movie Amanda brought up. One of the shirtless barely legal boys in it looks like Bucky. I may need to find out if Hydra rented him out to the movie industry._

That made him laugh out loud. Waitresses arrived with their dinners on carts done up with table linens. The steak was phenomenal. "We should totally bring Nat next time," he muttered after the first couple of bites.

"Just for the food?" Thor asked.

"Of course," Clint replied dryly. "In no way would I enjoy watching her get a lap dance."

The Asgardian's brow furrowed, "Lap dance?"

Rhodes leaned over to explain to him while Stark looked at Clint. "I think the question on everyone's mind is, would _she_ enjoy it?"

He shrugged and texted her, _Would you enjoy a lap dance?_

There was a long pause. He wondered if she was sharing the question with the other women. Finally, her answered popped up. _Maybe? I'd like winding you up, does that count?_

_It would be pretty hot._

_I worked with a partner a couple times with the Widows. I'll tell you stories sometime._

_I will hold you to that._

_Also, apparently Jane would do it. I think we may need to cut her off from the booze now._

He wasn't sure if he should share that or not. Maybe get Nat to float the sex tape idea on Thor's behalf.

Stark cleared his throat and raised a brow expectantly.

"We should definitely invite her next time," was all Clint said.

"Excellent." He pointed at Barnes. "Doctor tattoo, I haven't forgotten."

Barnes chewed a moment, then said, "Left hip and thigh. If she finds out you know that I will punch you very hard."

"It's okay, I wasn't supposed to tell you about the baby."

"Mutually assured destruction is the best kind."

"You two realize none of the rest of us have any assured destruction," Rhodes said. "Not that I care about Doc's tattoos, and Pepper knows I know."

Barnes scanned the rest of them. "Stark's really the only one of you I can see teasing her about it."

"Pepper knows I can't keep secrets," Stark added, cutting into his steak again.

"Why are you keeping it secret?" Thor asked. "That seems like joyous news to be shared."

He poked his food idly. "There are. . . complications. She's been very sick - nauseous. And since it was a transfer and not the old fashioned way she wanted to wait longer to make announcements. Plus once the media gets a hold it it there'll be a circus. Then we have to worry about enemies using it against us."

"Huh. I never even thought of that," Barnes said. "The enemies thing."

"You are something like royalty here on Midgard," Thor said. "Loki and I always had guards when we were boys, when we left the palace."

"I'm waiting for Pepper to give me the go ahead to start interviewing body guards. I'm thinking ex-special forces." He looked at Clint. "Unless you think Romanov's looking for some extra cash."

Clint chuckled. "I don't think babies are her thing."

"Rats, that would have made Pepper happy."

"You don't want a big scary dude?" he asked.

"No. Because that would impact Pepper's life when she's out with the baby. Other mothers don't want a play date at the park with Stark Jr and Boris the Russian gladiator. Natasha looks like a perfectly normal woman out shopping until she kills you with her thighs. Unlike, say, you," he said gesturing at Clint. "Or Hill, who doesn't know how to walk like she's not on mission."

"I would guard the park from a nearby building or tree," Clint said.

Stark gestured grandly. "That's the other plus to Nat, she comes with back up."

"I don't really like kids, either."

Rogers looked at him. "At all?"

"Well. . . I'm not one of those people who thinks they should be banned from airplanes. But I don't know what to do with them, and wouldn't want actual responsibility for one."

"I'm with him," Barnes said. "They're small, loud, and confusing."

"You seem okay when they come up to us," Rogers said, sounding surprised.

"Little boys with toy shields and fake metal arms aren't babies. They don't require me to hold or feed them."

"They don't stay babies forever," Rhodes said. "They're kind of cool when they get older."

"Do you have children, Colonel Rhodes?" Banner asked.

"He has like 20 of them," Stark said.

Rhodes made a face. "I have four."

"Well, they sound like 20."

"The boys do get rambunctious," he conceded. "Just wait till yours comes. He'll probably take your TV apart. Make JARVIS sound like Elmo."

"God," Rogers muttered. "A mini Stark."

"I've been having nightmares since I found out," Rhodes told them.

"Are you going to get married?" Thor asked him.

Stark shrugged. "No plans to yet. I think she wants to survive the pregnancy and birth before committing to anything else."

"Why not? You're having a child."

"Lot more to being married than kids. In Pepper and my case it might actually complicate our lives. I have a lot of money. She has a lot of money. She runs my company." He shrugged, dabbing his mouth with a napkin before tossing it onto his plate and leaning back in his chair with his Scotch. "Not everyone has to get married."

"I like being married," Rhodes told Thor. "He's always been afraid of commitment."

"I just don't see how it would improve my life any."

"I enjoy being married to Jane," Thor offered. "Rushed thought the wedding was."

"I can see how there's something to be said for the act of publicly and legally promising to stay with someone, no matter the weather," Clint said, prompting all of them to turn and stare at him. "What?"

"It's just that you two are kind of the poster children for 'afraid of commitment,'" Rogers said, obviously trying to be tactful. "More than Stark, even."

He sipped his bourbon, wondering if maybe he'd had a little too much. "A caravan travels at the speed of it's slowest member."

"So it's her fault, then." Stark was nothing if not blunt.

"Do you want to get married?" Barnes asked.

That was a thorny question, full of awkward answers and things that were probably impossible. "All I said was that I could see the appeal. I don't expect she would, so that's the end of it." 

"And that doesn't make their thing any less valid," Stark said. "My parents were married in the eyes of man and God and barely spoke for the last few years of their lives. I'd rather be in love and living in sin."

That made Clint smile. He'd known someone fairly high up had to be condoning them keeping the vacant apartment despite how full the building was. "I agree." When Stark leaned over with his glass raised he obligingly clinked them together.

"Well, I, for one, am glad you moved on to the actual living in sin," Barnes said.

"So you and Doc could start your little island of misfit animals?" Wilson asked.

"Shut up."

"Their dog barks a lot," Clint commented. "But he is cute."

"'Manda thinks I should do some advanced training with him. Agility or something. He's got shepherd in him and gets bored."

"Wow, the Avengers so need a mascot," Banner said.

"We'll get him a cape," Rogers added.

"If we're doing mascot I vote Amanda's cat Schmendrik," Barnes said. "He's got one eye, he'll fit right in."

"She refused to name him Nick Furry," Wilson said, earning him groans and a thrown napkin from Stark.

*

"All I'm saying is," Jane was attempting explain, while keeping Darcy from taking her glass, "It might be an interesting experience."

"It depends on the quality of stripper," Amanda said, causing them to all turn to her. She shrugged. "Do you have any idea how much men out number women in med school? If I wanted to be social sometimes I had to suck it up and do boy things."

"Your Kinsey score was a zero," Maria said. "Just. . . pointing that out."

"I didn't get turned on by it. It was a friend's birthday. Not a romantic friend, platonic. We'd been lab partners in our Anatomy class and once you've dissected a cadaver together the bonds are pretty sturdy. He wanted me to come to his birthday but I was literally the only person without a penis attending and I didn't care so we went for steak, strippers and beer." She sipped her margarita. "They thought it was funny to buy me lap dances. The first one was awkward. The next couple we fun because the girls and I chatted about various things. One of them actually turned me onto the lotion I use to this day. And if any of you tell James I got it from a stripper I will enact a revenge both brilliant and diabolical."

"Tony would probably find it hot if I had stripper-originated lotion," Pepper commented.

"I can give you the name, if second hand will do. James is already a little obsessed with the smell of the lotion. I think knowing I got the name of it from a woman with the stage name Athena with boobs bigger than Darcy's might break him."

"Well, right now I can't stand the smell of much." She rubbed her forehead. "I've made them change the brand of shampoo in the gym and the floor wax in the lobby. I've banned sea bass from the cafeteria, asked Bruce to stop wearing aftershave on the days that Tony is in the lab, and can't go anywhere on the 24th floor without a face mask because I can smell the jet fuel."

"But you won't accidentally eat rotten or spoiled food and make your baby sick," Nat offered. "At least, I assume that's why pregnant women get the super sense of smell."

"That's the theory. My body doesn't know it doesn't live in Medieval London."

"Cal had to put a big cooling fan thing on her laptop because she didn't like the smell of warm plastic," Darcy said.

"If any of you are ever thinking of getting pregnant," Amanda said. "I feel the need to point out that level of sensitivity is very rare."

"I'm still at 'Hell No'," Maria said. "If we're keeping track."

"I'm at physically impossible," Nat said, lifting her glass.

Darcy lifted hers and clinked it with Nat's. "Maybe someday."

"I am also on team physically impossible," Jane said. "That leaves you, Doc."

Amanda choked on the drink she was taking. "No comment."

"People keep telling me it will be worth it. . ." Pepper said.

"Post-natal endorphins are remarkable things," Amanda said.

"They're similar to heroin," Darcy piped up.

"So that lady with the 19 kids is just an addict?" Maria asked.

Nat smirked. "I find that less frightening than the idea God told her to."

"Don't tell Tony about that," Pepper said. "He'll think there might be a chance he gets his army after all."

Maria's brows went up. "Army?"

"We have a bunch of embryos. He calls them his frozen army. I explained that it would probably take a couple before one stuck. . . then it worked on the first try. I'm not sure he really grasps how much we are not having a herd of children."

"It's kind of cute that he wants it," Darcy said. "I mean he doesn't seem the type."

"I get it," Pepper said. "Only child, distant parents that died when he was young. No extended family. He could do it if he wanted to. He's Tony Stark. It would take him about six minutes to find himself a fertile 24-year-old who'd marry him and birth him a basketball team. However, he picked me. And I'm 40."

"I keep waiting for him to come pick my brain about an artificial womb," Amanda admitted.

"He used to make jokes about growing them in the lab."

"Do you think you'll do a second?" Jane asked her.

"We'll see how good those heroin-endorphins are."

"Fair enough."

Maria got up and gathered glasses to do another round for everyone. "Right, enough procreation talk. Is it too late to call male strippers? Can't let the boys have all the fun."

"The last bachelorette party I was at," Darcy said, "The stripper thing was cheesy and awkward."

"I have better abs to look at at home," Jane added. "And I can touch them." She made a face. "Maybe I do need to slow the drinking down."

"I think not vomiting is a good goal for this evening," Darcy told her sagely.

"Is anyone else picturing their man stripping?" Amanda asked.

That was currently the only thing Nat could picture. She sipped her drink. "I think it would beneath the dignity of most of our men."

Maria passed out refilled drinks. "I need some single friends."

"Or we should set you up," Darcy said. "Anyone in the building catch your fancy?"

She shrugged. "At my seniority level, not shitting where I eat is a good idea. Besides, I hate relationships."

"Do you date casually?" Nat asked. "Or is it purely physical?"

"I'll date as long as they don't grow too many expectations. Which sometimes they do."

"Men can be oddly clingy." Darcy's voice was muffled around a mouthful of chips. "Contrary to stereotypes."

"God," Pepper muttered. "Yes. Especially a certain type."

"I think it bruises your ego when you aren't more into them than they are with you." That was Amanda, whose love like had most resembled Maria's before meeting Barnes. At least from the stories they had heard. "They say they're fine with causal or non exclusive or just a sometimes thing. But then it takes you two days to return a phone call and it's the end of the bloody world."

"And God forbid you make more money than they do," Maria added.

"Or be smarter," Darcy chimed in. "Especially when they've decided you're not."

"I've been smarter than every man I've ever been with," Pepper said. "Save, of course, the current one."

"The right man finds it sexy," Jane said, to the nods of Darcy and Amanda.

"Thank you, my happily coupled friends, for still having a Men Suck conversation," Maria said. "You're good people."

"I think even happily coupled friends are well aware men suck."  
 Nat sat up a bit straighter. "Does any one else have a mysterious sock pile in their living room?"

"I think I'd be grateful for socks," Pepper said. "I've found engine parts on our bathroom counter."

"Mine just collects pets," Amanda said. "And apparently I have a stolen sniper rifle in my spare room. Thank you, Natasha."

"It was his rifle. The Smithsonian needs to learn how to share."

*

"Wait. She robbed the _Smithsonian_?"

Barnes held up his hands towards Rogers. "Don't make that face at me. I didn't ask her to. I just told Barton about my rifle. Next thing I knew, it showed up in my apartment."

Clint felt compelled to add, "Also, _you_ robbed the Smithsonian."

"That was a national emergency," Rogers replied.

"This was sentiment," Clint replied. "That rifle is a work of art."

"Still fires," Barnes added, picking up his drink again.

"My Dad had a prototype," Stark said. "One of Cap's shield, too. Went down with the Malibu house, sadly."

"Your dad made excellent weapons," Barnes told him.

"That he did. The bad guys were more obvious, back then."

"It did get more complicated when the villains stopped wearing black mustaches and swastikas."

Rogers punched Barnes's arm. "Or red skulls."

"I'm still glad you don't have one of those."

"Does Amanda have any idea why that happened to Schmidt? I've always wondered."

Barnes rubbed the back of his head with his hand, frowning. "She explained it once, but she was using guest lecturer voice so I was a little distracted. Basically other than you and me, everyone who got a dose of the serum had some sort of disfigurement or mutation. It's why the other guys in my unit they experimented on died. Kind of like a little radiation kills cancer and too much gives it to you. Schmidt was the only one who survived such a mutation and no one really knows why. They don't even really know why it worked so well on us. Apparently, some scientists in the fifties did a bunch of tests on the water and air in Brooklyn to see if it had anything to do with it."

That made Rogers laugh. Clint turned to watch the dancers on the stage for a bit. Beside him, Barnes said, "You know, you never saw women in the '40's that were any kind of toned. I don't like the scrawny-skinny thing that's trendy now, but there's something to be said for some sculpting."

"Hey, my taste in women runs to those who can beat the shit out of me," Clint replied. "She's done it, too." 

"I believe it. She almost garroted me in DC."

"Is that what Doc looks like under the lab coat?" Stark asked. "Sculpted?"

Barnes rolled his eyes. "Speaking of people Nat could beat the shit out of."

"She would probably enjoy that so immensely."

"Didn't she beat up Happy?" Rhodes asked. 

Stark waved a hand. "It wasn't a real beat up. She just pinned him to the mat. He deserved it." He took a swig of his drink. "It was still hot to watch, though."

"She was recovering from a serious injury during that, too." He pointed at Barnes with his beer. "You shot her, actually."

"Odessa. The scientist. I read the file, though I only have vague memories of it. She doesn't seem to hold a grudge."

"We've all killed people."

Barnes tipped his head back thoughtfully. "Has everyone who lives on our floor killed someone?" He glanced at Thor. "I guess not Jane."

"She sort of killed some Dark Elves," Thor said.

"There we go. Everyone on the floor."

"We are not comparing body counts in a strip club," Stark said. "That's depressing." He paused. "Unless we're taking about the _good_ kind of body count."

Thor looked briefly confused, then his face cleared in a moment of almost comical epiphany. "Ah! That would be interesting."

"Lots of courtiers and serving wenches in your past, big guy?" Wilson asked him.

"The Prince of a realm generally doesn't struggle for bedmates."

"He's also like 800 years old," Stark commented. "I'm sure it's a number that would dwarf a cheap hooker."

"In my defense, I've only been what you would consider an adult for three hundred of those years."

"Yes, that makes it much better. We'll just divide it by 15 or something."

"What's yours, Stark?" Barnes asked. "You might put him at a run for his money."

"I've blotted that part of my life from my memory. But even I can't keep up with someone who's been fucking for three centuries. I didn't get any super serum."

Barnes held up a finger. "First, memory issues are my excuse. Two-" Second finger. "I assure you the majority of my action was before I ever heard of the serum."

"I believe Doc brags," Clint commented, and was amused Barnes's cheeks tinted a little.

Stark sighed dramatically. "Fine. Six hundred forty three."

" _Jesus_ ," Banner said.

"That doesn't surprise me," Rhodes said. "Though I assume that's a guess?"

"No," Stark said. "I have an eidetic memory. I can tell you all their names and estimated cup sizes if you really want a list."

Thor clapped him on the back with a solid thumping noise. "Congratulations, my friend. You win."

"You beat the immortal guy," Banner said, still sounding rather shell shocked. "Happy now?"

"Well, now I feel like a slut," he muttered into the rim of his glass.

"They made cautionary posters about people like you in the war," Barnes told him.

"You better be offering a number up for all the shade you're throwing there, Sergeant."

"That I remember?" He tipped his head back and Clint saw his fingers tapping as if counting. "Fifteen? And most of them were prostitutes during the war."

"They made posters about that during the war, too," Rogers commented. 

"And they provided us with government issued condoms to help us out," his friend retorted. "If there'd been a spitfire nurse that looked like Amanda waiting in London for me I might have been more circumspect. But alas, I had to make do."

"Did you really spend the war pining for a woman?" Stark asked, with his usual tact.

Rogers rolled his eyes. "I spent the war having a relationship with a woman who would not have appreciated if I brought her syphilis on my next trip back to base."

Clint said, "And by 'not appreciate' he means she'd take his balls off with rusty pliers." Rogers laughed, and Clint added, "Everyone at SHIELD was well aware of Peggy Carter's legend."

"Phillips' secretary grabbed me by the tie and kissed me once, back when we were just flirting. She _shot_ at me."

"Wait," Stark said. "So you do have a body count?"

"Of course I do. Why does everyone assume I don't?"

"Because you're Captain America," Rhodes said.

"Historical figures don't have sex," Banner added. "It was invented sometime in the seventies."

"You do have kind of a goodie-two-shoes/boy-scout vibe," Stark said.

"Neither of those things equal celibate," he replied. 

"If boy scouts don't have sex where will the little boy scouts come from?" Wilson asked.

Stark turned the Barnes. "Did you know about this?"

He lifted a shoulder. "I was dead at the time. But we've caught up, since." He looked at Rogers. "If I'd known 'can beat me up' was a requisite I would have reevaluated who I set you up with."

"I think that falls into the temporary company vs. woman you marry thing," Rogers replied.

With a slight toasting gesture of his glass Barnes said, "Good point."

"So. Count, Boy Scout." Stark was nothing if not persistent.

Rogers sighed. "Six. Maybe seven, depending on how you define. . ." He took a swig of his drink. "Happy?"

"Everything I know about the world is a lie," Stark said. "I need more whisky for this."

"I can't decide if I should be offended or not," Rogers said. 

"Tony wanted to get you a lap dance," Banner said. "But thought you might be horrified. That may or may not have been the point."

"It was totally the point," Rhodes said, earning him a glare from Stark.

"If you're just giving away lap dances I'll take one." Wilson said.

"One for everyone," Stark replied. "I'm like Oprah."

"I pass," Banner said, lifting his glass. Clint wasn't sure, but he was fairly confident the man had been drinking nothing but water. "But thank you for the offer."

"That's because you don't want to share your body count."

"Is that a condition of the lap dance?" Wilson asked.

"Of course it is. I don't do anything for free."

"My body count is boring and statistically average for a man my age," Banner said. "Especially sitting next to a man who has one in the triple digits."

"It's probably also statistically average for a man my age," Thor said. 

"And Tony ruins all bell curves he's on," Rhodes said. "I am also declining the lap dance, and am not ashamed to admit I have been with the same woman since I was fifteen."

"I suppose someone does need to be the other end of the curve from Stark," Barnes said. "Congratulations, by the way."

"I still have no idea why she puts up with me."

"Well, she's put this much time into you," Stark said. "It would be more of a pain to start over."

"So _that's_ what Pepper is doing still putting up with you."

"It's the only theory I have that makes sense."


	4. Chapter 4

"But how does the hammer _decide_ if you're worthy or not? Is there some sort of altruistic checklist it works off of?"

Nat was fairly sure Jane was way too drunk for this conversation, but apparently drunk!Amanda was also philosophical question!Amanda and here they were.

"It just knows, okay?" Jane said, spreading her hands. "It's magic."

"Have you ever tried to pick it up?" Pepper asked.

Jane hesitated. "Yes. Well. . . I stubbed my toe on it once."

"I take it it didn't move?"

"No. But it didn't break my foot, which you'd think it would."

"Maybe it likes you," Darcy said. "Or knows you're his wife and won't hurt you."

Nat sipped her drink. "I feel like this is going to end with Amanda hooking the hammer up to an EEG and putting it through a Turing test."

"Ooooo, do you think he'd let me?"

"I wonder if it is alive, though," Jane said. "I mean, it seems to make judgements, right? Is that sentience?"

"Computers can make decisions, though." Pepper was now getting in to it. "Give it a data table and it can make a yes/no determination. If x then y. So if the decision is worthy or not worthy maybe it just has a data table of qualities that it checks off. Have a sufficient number and you get to pick it up."

"So does that mean someone can be slightly worthy?" Darcy asked. "If there's fifty criteria and you have to meet 30 to be worthy could someone with 27 nudge it a bit?"

"Steve can move it a bit," Jane said. "Freaked Thor out." She blinked. "I think that was supposed to be a secret."

Amanda reached over to poke her. "Text him and see if we can go try."

"He's at the strip club," Jane replied. 'I wonder if they have them on Asgard."

Nat pulled her phone out and sent Clint a text. "Clint says no," she told them when he replied. "Though Thor is apparently warming up to the concept."

"Will he still be worthy if he gets a lap dance?" Maria asks.

"I'm not sure the hammer's thoughts on debauchery." Jane sounded thoughtful.

"That would be awkward." Darcy said. "Nat, ask him."

She shrugged and pulled out her phone. _We want to know if getting a lap dance will make Thor unworthy._

The reply took a few minutes. _Depends. Would Jane be upset?_

Nat passed on the question and Jane tilted her head, mouth pursing. "Just a lap dance, no. I trust him and those women are generally professional. It's entertainment, not sex."

_Jane's cool with it._

_Then probably not. Though he says he's not interested in one anyway. The dancers are bummed._

_I know I would be. Are you getting one?_ "Thor thinks it would be okay," she reported as she awaited his answer. "But will not be finding out for certain, apparently."

_Maybe? I'm pretty drunk._

Well, at least he hadn't brought his bow. _Have fun, baby._

"The boys appear to be keeping up with us in drinks. Clint admitted to being drunk."

"Good," Darcy said. "He seems like he needs to loosen up."

"Perhaps a little," Nat conceded. "Though I actually think he's been in a good place lately."

"He's just all serious and silent," Darcy replied. 

"Not everyone's a talker, Darce," Jane said.

"He likes you," Nat offered. "Your video games."

"And he takes them as serious as a heart attack."

*

"No, I'm telling you, it's almost as good as sniping in real life. The physics are amazing." Clint was earnestly trying to convince Barnes to join him in his weekly video gaming with Darcy Lewis.

Barnes looked at Rogers. "I didn't think this would be fun sober, but I was wrong, this is hilarious."

"I am not _that_ drunk," Clint insisted.

"You're insisting killing pixels is the same as target practice."

"I did not say the same. I said almost as good. There's a level where the aliens look like Chitari. I really enjoy that level."

Barnes pointed out him. "Now that - that I can see."

"I rather like the racing game," Thor piped up.

"There are also many first person shooters where they kill Nazi's," Stark said. "In fact, there are actually Captain America video games." 

"I want those," Barnes said. "I will play the hell out of that."

Rogers groaned and covered his eyes with a hand. "I'm always voiced by such pompous asses on those things."

"I think the world imagined you to be a pompous ass," Stark said. 

"You do look kind of like an ass in those war bond reels," Wilson added.

"I was reading from a script," he protested. "People liked their entertainment a little more. . . fake, back then. Overblown. There was a terrible radio show in the late 40's. According to Peggy the me in it was particularly intolerable."

"The Captain America Adventure Hour," Banner said, to the surprise of everyone. "I used to listen to recordings of it when I was a in college. There was a lot of Nazi punching."

"You are _such_ a nerd," Stark said.

"I have never claimed to be otherwise."

"Neither of us did ever get to punch Hitler," Rogers said.

Barnes shook his head. " _You_ wanted to punch him, _I_ wanted to shoot him in the head."

Clint felt that was worthy enough of moving, so he could fist bump Barnes.

"What was it you used to say?" Rogers tipped his head back. "Anywhere up to and-"

"-Including one mile," Barnes finished with him. "And all our problems would have been solved."

"You would have been famous," Wilson said.

"I was already a little famous. I have a wall in the Smithsonian and everything."

"We're all going to be in the Smithsonian someday," Stark said. "I'll have a big display of suits in Air & Space."

"They'll just put asterisks on Steve and my write ups," Barnes said. "Story continues on next display."

"Someday," Rogers said. "They're kind of slow. I think the current display still says you're dead."

"I don't feel bad about getting my rifle back now."

Thor had gotten up about fifteen minutes before and gone somewhere, Clint assumed the bathroom—though he had no idea if Asgardians actually used the bathroom like humans. He wasn't yet drunk enough to ask. The man wandered back, looking rather windblown, which prompted Stark to ask, "Did you fall in?"

"Even mine is not long enough to reach the river for a piss," he replied as he sat. "I ran an errand." From one of his pockets he pulled out a large flask. "I was feeling left out."

Barnes arched a brow. "Is that from Asgard?"

Thor grinned, and then held out the flask. Barnes took it with a nod before knocking back a swallow and passing it to Rogers. He stared at it a moment, and then took a long drink. 

"Can I have some?" Stark asked, though he seemed plenty drunk on regular booze.

"Do we know what it does to normal people?" Rogers asked.

"Do we think Tony has any liver left to worry about?" Rhodes retorted.

Thor shrugged. "Legend says we once shared it with Viking warriors who had aided us in battle."

"Did they later die?" Clint asked.

"I don't think anyone knew what cirrhosis was in 800AD," Banner said.

Stark was waving his hand. "One sip." Barnes, Rogers and Thor exchanged glances, Thor shrugged again and Rogers handed the flask over reluctantly.

*

"How could you have never learned to braid hair?" 

Pepper held up her hands. "My mother was sick and my Dad had to take care of me, so my hair was always short as a child, and then she died. . ." Pepper shrugged.

"I suppose the rest of us will have to band together to help you if that's a girl." Darcy gestured at Pepper's stomach with her half full margarita.

"We could just ask Thor, apparently," Maria commented.

"He is really good at it," Jane said from behind Nat. She was in the middle of putting a pair of double french braids in her hair. "He's been teaching me."

"Does anyone else love the image of a bunch of muscle bound Asgardians sitting around braiding each other's hair before battle?" Amanda asked. She'd tugged her hair out of its pigtails and was waiting for her turn with Jane.

"They might," Jane said. "It's not a feminine thing up there."

Nat's phone pinged. _Thor brought Asgardian booze. Stark out cold. Rogers and Barnes are plastered and singing in French._

She laughed. "Well, Thor has succeeded in getting Steve and Barnes properly drunk."

Jane leaned over her shoulder. "Are there pictures?"

"There will be if I have my way." _This information useless without pictures/video._

There was no reply for a while, and then when her phone beeped again, the message was from Bruce, and contained video of the two of them, singing a bawdy drinking song. That was, in fact, French.

She was just sober enough to get it up on the TV, so that everyone could enjoy it. "I'm going to need a copy of that," Amanda said, wiping tears of laughter out of her eye.

Clint texted her again. _He had a better view. Stand by, trying to get them to do the Captain America song._

Nat relayed the new information and Darcy said, "If he gets it I can get Cal to put it up on the internal website."

"Yes, that is something that needs to be shared with everyone."

_Sorry. Now they're on war stories._

"Rats." She tucked the phone back in her lap. "Maybe later."

"It's good that they are unwinding," Jane said. She finished Nat's hair and patted her to move so she could do Amanda's.

They switched spots and Hill came around with the margarita pitcher. They'd become more efficient as the night progressed. "It might be time for drunken Mystery Date."

"This isn't a game involving elaborate dares, is it?" Darcy asked.

"No," Nat said. "It's a board game. You go around the board collecting cards from a pile. Once you have a complete set of three cards from the same outfit you're ready for your date. You open the door and if the Mystery Date matches your outfit, you win." There was a moment of silence when she realized they were all staring at her. "KGB. Spy." Hill, Darcy and Amanda all gave her skeptical looks. "Fine. The instructions are online."

"We should play more board games," Jane said.

"I'm not playing Settlers of Catan with you drunk," Darcy said.

"Why not?"

"Uh, the 20 minute lecture about the implications of salt mining in bronze age societies?" She paused. "Or was it the deforestation of medieval England?"

"I refuse to play Monopoly with Pepper," Amanda piped up.

"We could get some Cards Against Humanity." Darcy sounded like a dealer offering up some heroin.

"Oh," Pepper said. " _Yes_." She tilted her head back. "JARVIS?"

"Printing had already begun," the AI replied.

Darcy clapped her hands. "I have the best friends."

*

The press was long gone when they stumbled out of the strip club. Which was good, because most of them weren't walking all that straight. The public didn't need to see a drunk Captain America, or Thor tossing Tony Stark over his shoulder to get him inside the Tower. "I'm always carrying someone," he muttered.

"Cap’s the only other one who could do it," Wilson said. "And he's weaving and bobbing."

"This was a really good night!" Rogers announced, just a little too loudly. Barnes hushed him, laughing.

"Can everybody get to their apartments ok?" Banner asked. He was the only one of them that was sober.

Barnes was steering Rogers with his metal hand. "I'll make sure he gets in the door."

"I will take Stark to his penthouse," Thor rumbled. "I suspect my lady will be there waiting for me to carry her home."

"I'm heading there, too," Rhodes said.

"I'm okay," Stark protested. "I can walk."

Thor put him down. Stark took a step and would have ended up on his face had Thor not promptly caught him. Rogers found that hilarious, leaning on Barnes in his mirth. Clint wished he'd thought to record this for posterity.

"We have got to do this again."

"We're _totally_ doing this again," Stark proclaimed as Thor carried him into the elevator, Rhodes at his heels. Clint hung out with Rogers and Barnes long enough to see Wilson off in a cab. By then the elevator was back down and they headed up to their floor.

They started singing once they reached the Avengers floor, marching down the hallway together. Clint turned and looked at Banner, who had also stopped walking to watch and laugh. "I'm glad we provided you with entertainment after all."

"Despite refraining from women and drink I had a very nice time," Banner told him sincerely. "It's been a very long time since I had friends I could close the bars with."

Clint started down the hall, then stopped. "Out of curiosity, why don't you drink?"

Banner lifted a shoulder. "The Other Guy and I. . . we have a sort of truce. I do my best not to do anything to tip the scales." He gave a little half smile. "Guess you could say I'm cautious of being an angry drunk."

"That makes sense. Glad you come out with us anyway. Somebody has to remember it for posterity."

The other man waggled his phone. "Oh, I'll remember it. I think Tony's due for a new screen saver."

Clint laughed. "Yeah, you're all right."

"Goodnight, Barton," Banner said, heading to his door.

*

"No," Jane said. "I can’t read it out loud."

"It's not that bad," Nat said, leaning over to look at the cards.

"It's a joke about both pedophiles and the holocaust. You people have sick minds."

Pepper made a dismissive noise. "That is not worse than the one about senior citizens and anal sex."

"You know, apparently there's a lot of sex going on in nursing homes," Darcy said, prompting all of them to look at her. 

"Why do you know that?" Jane asked.

"Cal told me. He was in rehab when he broke his back and the doctor told him they were having an STD epidemic. In a facility filled mostly with old people. They're from an era that thinks nice people who can't get pregnant don't use condoms."

"That's gross," Amanda said. "And that's from a doctor."

"Considering Barnes has like forty plus years of virility left in him, you might want to come to terms with old people sex," Maria told her.

"Well, it won't be gross when we do it."

The elevator doors opened, and they all turned to see Thor, Rhodes and Stark coming through. The other two were holding Stark up. "Oh dear," Pepper muttered.

"Hi honey," Jane said. "I'm conscious and capable of walking on my own."

"Mr. Stark is not," Thor said politely.

"That's not actually unusual," Rhodes said.

Amanda stacked up her cards. "Well, that's probably the end of our little get together. Was James capable of walking?"

"They were drunk, but they walked themselves back to their apartments."

"Excellent." She got to her feet. "Goodnight, ladies. Thank you for a wonderful evening."

Pepper got up and walked toward them, but she only got within about ten feet of them. "You had cigars," she said, and then she put her hand over her mouth, turned on her heel and bolted.

"Where did she go?" Stark asked.

"To puke," Rhodes said. "Because you stink." He looked at Thor. "I can get him in the shower."

Thor nodded and turned to Jane, offering her his hand. "Shall we?"

She let him pull her to his feet, saying her own goodnights to the ladies. Since the party seemed to be breaking up, Nat got up herself. Amanda held the elevator doors for her and Thor and Jane. Darcy and Maria were still finishing their drinks.

Thor and Jane started kissing in the elevator like Amanda and Nat weren't standing right there. She was trying to think of she'd ever seen a PDA out of them before and couldn't. She and Clint were more touchy in public than they were. 

She and Amanda exchanged horrified looks, pressing into respective corners of the elevator. Fortunately, it was a short trip. They let the lovebirds get out first before hesitantly following them.

"Going to be a lot of thumping on this floor tonight," Amanda commented as they watched the other two stumble blindly towards their door.

"I really want to try Asgardian liquor," Nat said.

"Give me a head's up before you do," Amanda said. "I'll have the stomach pump ready."

"Very funny," she said as they reached their doors. "Enjoy your drunk sex, Doc."

"You too, Romanov." Nat grinned and they gave each other a nod before opening their doors.

The apartment was dark. She made her way back to their bedroom, a little concerned she wasn't going to get that drunk sex after all. Sure enough, Clint was in their bed, sound asleep. Briefly, she flirted with the idea of waking him, then decided against it. They could swap stories in the morning. Sex was better alert, anyway.

She changed into one of her nights shirts, brushed her teeth and climbed into bed next to him, disturbing London, who had curled on the her pillow. Clint wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer in his sleep. Nat smiled, pressed a kiss against his jaw, and closed her eyes. At the foot of the bed, she felt London resettle and the last of the tension drained from her. It was an odd little family they had cobbled together, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Come back Monday for a brand new Tales from the Tower story!


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